Mentor Carefrontations: The Dutch Uncle Approach
A mentor to do their “job”, with integrity and honesty, occasionally need to give frank, even severe comments and criticisms. In some situations that may be the only way to get impact. Susan Scott calls them Fierce Conversations. She says “What gets talked about … and how it gets talked about determines what will happen. And what won’t happen.”
“Uncle” is someone to be respected; and with the historic rivalry between England and Holland, anything Dutch was seen as something hateful. A Dutch uncle has become an informal term that is used for a person to be respected while being harsh, and critical with unsparing severity and frankness.
Dutch uncle is often perceived as negative or insulting. However, a mentor’s purpose is not to be mean for the sake of being mean, but to educate, encourage, or admonish their mentees. They cannot shy away from their blended role of care and confrontation, or carefrontation.
Avoiding conflict is a big issue in dealing with people. The irony is that the more conflict is avoided or delayed, the worse it gets. A mentor failing to intervene would actually be doing a disservice!
Even though I did not know some of these terms then, I have had my share of carefrontations with mentees, through fierce conversations, like a Dutch uncle. Giving difficult feedback requires trust as well as experience and skills. Here, I share some of the learning from 3 decades of mentoring:
What are the common reasons for having to play the role of a Dutch Uncle?
- Assumptions that are all off and need to be challenged. “Instincts are not enough, you need evidence”.
- Plans are unrealistic and need to be vetted or changed.
- Expenditure that is disproportionate; often on pet areas to the detriment of needed or changing priorities.
- Dysfunctional organizational issues:
- Personal issues: Unethical and unprofessional behavior, Unhealthy work habits, Hygiene
- Skill gaps or deficiencies that are not being addressed, especially if they are critical in the context.
- Performance problems of individuals, especially those who have been on the long march together up to now.
- Dead weight: Team member issues of poor fit, non- performance, irrelevant friends or family on the payroll, etc.
What are some of the good practices in Carefrontation?
- Ask to intervene face-to-face: “May I offer you some feedback?” is a good opener.
- Should be delivered real- time, in private, but not before you have cooled down. If behavior is left unaddressed too long, it is difficult to recapture and recall accurately.
- Describe the situation as you have observed it.
- Ask clarifying questions, and not rebut every point of response.
- Judiciously use, “In order to continue to be your mentor, I need to see a dramatic turn- around in…. “.
- Keep it constructive and in the best interest of the organization. If you have nothing genuine to offer don’t say anything.
- Confront personal distress without assuming the role of a mental health professional.
- Be compassionate and empathetic. Use neutral tone. No need to attack.
- Listen, watch body language and be considerate of mentees vulnerability in the situation.
- Be supportive with affirmations and uplift the morale which may be sagging at the time.
- Present your suggestions as “My perspective” as opposed to absolute facts.
What are some of the benefits and potential outcomes of being a Dutch Uncle?
- Progress on whatever hurdle initiated the intervention.
- It may result in a Pivot or even a shut-down depending upon what is the best outcome.
- Hone value out of a diverse set of options.
- Develop the skills of the team.
- Effective Relationship becomes the currency that can be used in future difficult circumstances.
- Trust. A healthy conflict often generates progress. I have actually seen such confrontation ending up building trust.
In their heart a mentor “Dutch uncle” is really an uncle- indulgent and permissive with the best intentions for their mentee. Above all, they do not mean or want to do any harm. So, it is important to keep reinforcing the concept, “As your mentor, I am your greatest critic and your greatest cheerleader.”
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Dr. Rajiv Tandon is an Entrepreneur, Educator and Mentor. He facilitates peer groups for CEOs of fast-growing companies in Minnesota. To learn more, sign up to get the email newsletter.
